


Fruit Smoothies

by penniless1



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack Pairing, Genderswap, Humor, Multi, Polyamory, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-08-16
Updated: 2014-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-22 07:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/235238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penniless1/pseuds/penniless1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How'd fruit inspire so many multiple smut requests?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sniper's Delight

Usopp tried very hard not to wither and die under the two feminine, baleful glares pinning him to his seat in the Thousand Sunny's galley. This moment was scarier than _anything_ leading up to One Piece. The next few words out of his mouth could well determine whether he went through life as a mad-genius stud or a whipped, deprived eunuch. That made this decision far more epic than any stupid Pirate King memento!

"Make a _choice_ , you wilting lily!" Nami snapped, her hand clenched into tight fists as she fought the tears aching in her eyes and the desire to just bash him on the head and end all this drama.

"Which one of us do you love **more**?"

"Usopp, I don't understand this," Kaya stated with the clinical voice of ineffable reason and surety - a tool in her mental doctor's bag of tricks to sooth, cajole, or force a patient as was necessary. "Let's just finish packing and go back to Syrop. You can think and make decisions much better without any _pressure_ on you."

Nami snapped her head back to seethe at the blonde woman next to her. How _dare_ she be so sneaky and manipulative with just words! That was _her_ forte! Before she could even consider her next motion, Nami's hands had dragged Kaya back from the cowering sniper and hauled the woman up to her nose by the lapels of her yellow sweater. The doctor, for her part, had tangled her own hands in Nami's tank top, yanking it by the straps.

"Don't you _dare_ try to haul him onto your territory and whip him your way, bitch!"

"He needs off of this ship and time without you _bullying_ him!"

Usopp really was trying to follow the arguments, but with Nami yanking the sweater off Kaya's shoulders _just so_ and Kaya pulling out the straps to reveal the cleft of Nami's bosom _right there-_ Well, even Zoro would have difficulty passing up on the beginnings of a good cat-fight.

The air in the galley was suddenly full of the sounds of ripping cloth. Usopp's eyes were as wide as his favorite pair of sniping goggles.

"My favorite sweater!"

"My new tank top!"

Both women now stood in the kitchen, shreds of soft cotton in their hands. Topless. Bra-less. Creamy, soft flesh exposed to the cool evening air, which apparently _rather_ cool judging from the growing effect it had on their goose-fleshed skin and tight...tight...

"Once upon a time," Usopp began, licking his suddenly dry lips reflexively, "Once upon a time, there was a young banana."

"One day, as it neared ripeness, this banana decided to go out into the world and seek a companionable fruit to be his close companion in flavor. After much searching, the banana had found, to his delight, two fruits that suited him very well - a tangerine and a peach."

Usopp got up rather shakily, pushing the chair far too hard and ignoring it as it toppled over. Of course, that wasn't the only thing pushing hard at this point. The long-nosed marksman teetered over to Nami and cupped one of her fine, ample globes in his hand, caressing it even as he turned his eyes to Kaya.

"The tangerine," he continued, pinching a certain turgid knob of sensitive flesh _like that_ as he reached a quavering hand out and placed it on Kaya's soft, soft hips. "The tangerine was tangy and exciting, just as its name suggested, with a hint of sweetness and strong, juicy flavor. It had a thick skin that it had developed for protection, but it was very easily peeled by nimble fingers."

Nami wasn't quite certain how it happened, but her skirt and panties seemed to have disappeared in quick succession. Damn that cowardly man and his sneaky quick hands! The navigator had to suppress a squeak of surprise as Usopp swung his attentions to drawing her closer, one hand on her luscious bottom.

"The peach," he began again, his other hand daintily flicking open the buttons on the remainders of Kaya's dress until the only thing holding the garment onto her body was her shoulders. She tried very hard not to moan as the hand rubbed the top of her bosom and flicked her thick node of pleasure.

"The peach was very, very sweet, with plenty of flesh and juice. Its flavor was more subtle, but quite endearing and long-lasting. It had slightly softer skin that bruised easily, but that made it even sweeter."

Slowly, ever so slowly, both women found themselves tucked under the sniper's chin, their heads laying on his shoulders as he drew lazy figure-eights on their backs.

"Eventually, no matter how much he tried, the young banana couldn't figure out who his smooth, mellow, thick flavor should mix with. He tried to mix himself with the peach-"

And then Nami was ring-side for one scorchingly hot kiss between her gunner and the doctor. Usopp was surprisingly aggressive and bold in his actions - tilting her chin just so, turning her head with a brush of his phallic nose, nipping her bottom lip smartly as he withdrew with a knowing smirk before speaking again.

"-But the banana's flavor was overwhelming the peach's subtlety. Then, the banana tried to mix himself with the tangerine-"

Kaya's eyes dilated greatly as Nami assaulted Usopp - biting the tip of his nose harshly before thrusting herself into his passively waiting mouth, visibly staking her claim with each swipe of her tongue and flick along his teeth before he was finally able to pull himself free, panting loudly.

"-But the tangerine's flavor dominated the banana thoroughly. The tangerine and the peach even tried...they even tried to...they - oh _fuck,_ that is _so_ hot..."

Nami and Kaya threw themselves into their kiss, each woman trying their best to impress upon Usopp their - skills, as it were. The competition was so fierce and fiery, it appeared that the two women had forgotten what exactly it was they were striving for as their free hands - the ones not wrapped around Usopp - began to sneak around neater waists and narrower shoulders. Usopp tried not to burst in elation ( _or at all, really_ ) at the long string that remained connected to both women's lips as they finally broke apart, panting.

"So then the tangerine," Nami started breathily with a wicked gleam in her eyes.

"And the peach," Kaya interjected in a sultry whisper.

"Decided that all three fruits should try to mix together!" both women crooned as they fell upon Usopp's collarbone, biting and sucking so hard that he _knew_ he'd have hickeys, even on his dark skin. His last, coherent, lust-free thought was that he'd have to borrow money from Nami to buy all three of them new clothes.

And then, he heard the sound of his shirt being ripped and overalls being undone.

[~~~]

"Now _this_ is a fruit smoothie!" Sanji exclaimed as he, Jewelry Bonney and Zoro finally found themselves down in the galley for the pink-haired woman's pre-breakfast snack. "What made you come up with this idea for Nami-swan and Kaya-swan? Peaches, tangerines and bananas is pretty robust, isn't it?"

Usopp smirked as he turned his back on the chef and continued to man the blender. Zoro squinted sharply as he spotted a pair of dark marks on either side of the sniper's neck, plus a number of suspicious scratches on the dark shoulders exposed by the overalls. Sanji noted that neither Nami-san nor Kaya-san had come down yet, which was mighty peculiar. And were those thongs in the long-nose's back pocket? With another pair peeking out from the corner?

Bonney just sniffed the air and grinned wickedly while she held her hand out for Usopp's latest creation. He wasn't at all surprised when she winked at him conspiratorially. He grinned then turned to answer his _nakama_.

"Call it a talent for flavor combination. Now, try this blueberry, strawberry and honeydew melon mix. Trust me - it matches you three _perfectly._ "

* * *


	2. Pirate Fruit Salad

Sanji and Zoro blinked stupidly from the nest of sheets on the bed.

"Whu..whuh?" Sanji managed to splutter as his cigarette fell out of his gaping mouth. Bonney was truly thankful that he hadn't lit it yet. She really wasn't in the mood to fight a ship-fire first thing in the morning. At least, not before a few servings of breakfast.

Zoro was still back at blinking stupidly.

"Me and Kaya're gonna tag along with your crew on this island. I hear it's Usopp and Nami's turn to go on-shore. 'S gonna be fun!"

Sanji reached blindly for the cigarette and put it in his mouth. His other hand fumbled with his matches until Zoro took the box ( _spilling about half of them along the way_ ) and lit one for the dumb-struck chef.

It took the swordsman another minute ( _and burnt fingertips_ ) to remember to put the match out.

In the meantime, the chef took a long, harsh drag off of the cigarette, praying for the nicotine to mellow out the massive jangling of nerves trailing up his back. He glanced at the Straw-hats' first mate, who was now swearing profusely around his thumb and index finger. Zoro met his eyes and gave a corresponding grunt and nod. Both men turned back to their girlfriend's mischievous jade gaze.

"This _cannot_ be that easy," both men intoned before they started getting dressed.

[~~~]

After another round of smoothies ( _ok, yes, even Zoro had to admit that the strawberry-melon-blueberry stuff had kicked all kinds of tastebuds' asses_ ), three men and one woman left the _Thousand Sunny_ and headed over to Bonney's flagship, _The Queen's Stomach,_ where 'Big Belly' herself and her newly-kidnapped - er, _recruited_ \- doctor, Kaya, were waiting.

"Hi honey," Kaya cooed as she leaned up to peck Usopp on his cheek. "Miss me much? Or did Nami keep you busy?"

"Oh you know I did, sweetie," Nami purred as she smirked ( _and Sanji had to noodle-dance because Nami was absolutely gorgeous when she gave that morally-bankrupt smirk!_ ). "I worked him - all of them, really - to the _bone_ today."

Usopp snorted bitterly - how he wished that voice actually carried the connotations that it did! Alas, Nami had made them do a serious stock-taking and scrubbing of the ship. The sniper never wanted to see a pry-bar or mop ever _again_. Sanji's neurosis about food aside, the chef _loathed_ unloading the ship's cargo just to count it and reload everything. And as far as Zoro was concerned, barnacles were the spawn of evil and he would I have shaved them off the stupid hull with _Kitetsu_ except Franky'd threatened to do a Robin on him. That threat was patently disturbing on more levels than the swordsman cared to think about...ever. A nice night on the town with some lovely ladies would definitely be the perfect reward for all of the day's labors.

"Oh, Nami, now you know I've told you before - no smirking! You make people worry when you do that," Kaya stated simply as she gave the orange-haired woman a peck on the cheek. "At least she didn't have to tend to mentally-traumatized newbies like we had to, _right, Captain_?"

Bonney smirked, scratching the crotch of her pink suspender shorts and repositioning her trademark white T-shirt while Nami pecked her on the cheek. Sanji tried not to blush or burst a blood vessel at the sight of two of his most favorite women _ever_ smooching, even briefly. Zoro's scowl wavered briefly at the sight, almost mirroring the incredulity of Usopp's sky-high eyebrows.

"I...see," the sniper muttered briefly before shrugging it off ( _and failing miserably_ ) as Nami being polite to the woman despite the fact that she'd essentially stolen the cook for the past few days, leaving them to fend with a hungry Luffy in the middle of the night. He decided to count his blessings and get the night underway.

"So where're we headed to tonight?"

"I hear there's a pretty good tavern out this way," Sanji supplied helpfully, his eyes darting around for any sort of distraction that would keep his nose from blowing a geyser. "We could try ther- Ah! Bonney-swan~! Nami-swan~! Kaya-swan~! _Mellorines_ , wait for me~!"

Usopp and Zoro merely shook the cold sweat off their brows as they followed the noodle-dancing chef.

[~~~]

The tavern had turned out to be an entertainment complex - hired rooms at the very top, a restaurant at the bottom, and a nightclub and bar in-between. After Bonney'd eaten the restaurant out of food for the night, the pirates had descended on - well, ascended _to_ , actually - the nightclub like a swarm of locusts. Surprisingly, the place still had liquor to spare after Zoro and Nami drank half the party-goers under a table and Sanji wasn't kicked out for putting his foot through a syphilitic wharf rat that had insulted Bonney's bulging tummy ( _his precise words were, "Not_ _ **you**_ _again!" before he sent the man out the furthermost second-story window_ ).

"By the way, Kaya, did I tell you how hot that dress is on you?" Nami asked loudly while wrapping an arm around Kaya's waist. The blonde giggled and blushed before wrapping her own arm around Nami, causing her exceedingly short, yellow, sleeveless satin sheath to ride up further.

"Darling, that is looking so much better than this old thing," Nami pouted as she tugged at the hem of her short, tight, orange mini-dress with matching bolero jacket. Zoro rolled his eyes, knowing full well that she'd bought that with the yellow dress the day before - he'd had to lug all the clothes back, after all!

"Thanks! I'm glad you let me have it... I still wonder how hot it'll make a certain marksman, though," Kaya responded with a sloppy smirk and a drunken wink to an increasingly hot and bothered Usopp.

"Well then," Nami smirked smugly, "Lemme show you, hun."

Whereupon the navigator tugged the doctor closer and proceeded to snog her.

Loudly.

In full view of everyone in the club.

"Usopp," Zoro growled as he shifted his suddenly tight pants while ignoring the sounds of glasses dropping and people colliding in the background. "Mind tellin' your _nakama_ why the fuck your girlfriend and our navigator are eating each other's faces?"

Usopp gibbered slightly before going into a sketchy outline of a certain night earlier that week while trying to help Sanji ( _who was looking mighty pale from sudden blood loss_ ) stay upright. Both men stopped leaning on the bar to stare at the sniper in open-mouthed incredulity.

"You...you magnificent _bastard_ ," Sanji snarled around a new cigarette. " _Both_ of them? Just using a shitty story about a bunch of fruit? I thought they _hated_ each other!"

"Yeah, well, apparently hate is one step from love, or some shit like that," Zoro muttered philosophically before shaking his head and quaffing his double Scotch on the rocks. "I mean, look at us-"

Usopp frowned as Sanji's shoe lodged itself in the green-haired man's mouth. The swordsman glowered at the cook before spitting the leather footwear out.

"You'll regret that when you have to kiss this mouth later on," Zoro growled loudly, eyes blazing as he smirked evilly.

"That shitty hole in your head always needs me to clean it out," Sanji responded with a positively demonic grin. Usopp glanced at each man, cursing his luck at being stuck in-between them.

"Boys," Bonney slurred as she goosed both of them on the ass, much to Usopp's amazement. "Behave now, or none of Mammy's treats later. I'm gonna go join the girls on the dance floor. Maybe they'll let me cut in?"

Usopp watched the scantily clad piratess swagger up to Kaya and Nami while grilling his fellow crewmates.

"Both of _you_? _Both_ of you are _doing_ Jewelry Bonney? Like, at the _same time_?"

"Every night for the past week," Zoro confirmed as he ordered a refill. "'S not so awkward anymore. Kinda fun, really."

"Yeah," Sanji conceded gruffly as he stubbed out his cigarette and drained his cognac, "We're all full of surprises. Marimo ain't half-bad when he puts his mind to it."

"I was more than just half-bad when I was sucking your toes last-"

"Lalalala, rurururu, it's the _Don't Wanna Know Any More!_ song," Usopp chanted loudly as he put his empty long-neck on the bar and covered his ears. "Let's just concede that we are all some very loving bad-asses and move on for the... What the hell is your mistress doing to my women?"

Sanji and Zoro whipped their heads back to the dance floor only to be forced to pick their jaws up from the ground. As one man, the three Straw-hats drew on their bandannas and squeezed their gushing noses closed-

\- Because Kaya and Nami had sandwiched Bonney into a writhing, seething, grinding mass of hot femme-dom, with all three of them tonguing each other and rubbing some exceedingly _interesting_ places. The _coup de grace,_ however, was when one of Bonney's hands disappeared under each of the other women's hemlines.

"Likelihoods that we can even leave this bar without molesting them?" Usopp asked huskily as his yellow bandanna turned maroon.

"2400 to 1, and the odds ain't getting better," Sanji moaned breathlessly as his blue bandanna grew darker with each pulse of his racing heart.

"First mate's orders," Zoro mumbled as his black bandanna started to drip. "Order some liquor from the bar and get it sent to a suite upstairs. We're gonna be here a while."

"Aye, aye!" the other two men responded enthusiastically.

[~~~]

Sanji passed his cigarette to Usopp, who took a quick drag before passing it to Zoro. The three men were standing on the balcony of the suite they had rented the night before, enjoying a quiet sunrise after a rather boisterous night. The girls were still passed out in the bed, Bonney's arms circled covetously around Nami's chest and Kaya's hips.

"Hey, long-nose," Sanji puffed out with a small ball of smoke. "What do you call it when a blueberry, a strawberry, a melon, a banana, a peach and a tangerine all end up in the same bowl?"

Usopp exhaled slowly and answered with a twinkle in his eyes.

"You, my friend, call that a most excellent fruit salad!"

Zoro barked out his laughter before passing the cigarette back to the cook, who now sported a grin brighter than the rising sun.

"Back to the bowl, shit-heads! Check out's at noon, after all."

[~~~]

They never did explain to Luffy why they always had fruit salad when the _Thousand Sunny_ crossed paths with the _Queen's Stomach._ Their captain found it all very mysterious until Bonney, Kaya and Nami offered to demonstrate...

[~~~]

* * *


	3. Character Building Pith

Nami was, to say the very least, _livid_. Robin was only one rung below her on the rage scale.

"You want _us_ to do _**what**_ _?_ " Nami ground out from between her tightly clenched teeth.

Sanji's cigarette dipped nervously. This wasn't exactly the response that he'd been hoping for.

"Uhm, uh, what I said was...uh...I'd be very grateful if you lovely, wondrous, beautiful _mellorines_ would consider us entertaining a mutual friend of ours?"

Nami closed her eyes and futilely willed away the pulsing in her temples. Robin closed her latest tome shut with a smart snap of her wrists.

Sanji felt the fist breaking his head in just after the _Ocho Fleur Flip_. Okay, so his request may have been ignored, but his _mellorines_ were gorgeous when they were exercising their righteous wrath!

[~~~]

"I can't _believe_ that he'd ask us to _do_ that!" Nami seethed in the women's quarters as she paced in front of the door. "I want so much to _strangle_ him right now. Are _all_ men like this? Who does he think he _is_?"

"Apparently, he seems to have thought of himself as our pimp, not our _nakama_ ," Robin responded in clipped, measured tones. "I think we need to educate him on how blessed he has been to even gain our recognition of his existence."

Nami stopped her pacing and stared wide-eyed at Robin. The Oharan was using the tone of voice that had made her the most feared agent, second only to Crocodile, of Baroque Works. Whatever her mind was conjuring would be evil and horrid and most likely drive Sanji to an early grave.

Perfect.

"I'm all ears, Ane-san," the navigator purred as she sat on the bed next to the dark-haired woman.

[~~~]

Zoro cracked open an eyelid as the two women's shadows fell over his napping form. They were blocking out the afternoon sun, which left the swordsman shivering just the _teensiest_ bit.

Or it could have been the smiles of pure malice on their faces.

"No. No way. Hell to the N and the O, _no!_ _ **No!**_ " the green-haired man stated emphatically as they descended on him.

[~~~]

"Ooo, my, big boy. What ever have you been hiding in _these_ trousers?"

Zoro turned a bit green as he listened to Nami reel off her line, then looked at his script. Seriously? He was supposed to play-act this drivel?

Robin's arm grew out of his chest and chucked him under the chin. His head instinctively raised up, only to catch the percent signs in Nami's eyes. He groaned quietly, then rattled off his line from the page.

"Figured you two would finally come looking for a _real_ man," Zoro stated in the deadliest monotone he could muster. Nami kicked him viciously in the ribs, causing him to spit out a muffled "Ooph!"

"Your...touch...is _so_ gentle, baby," he continued from his clenched teeth, glaring murderously at the navigator.

"That would be because I'm a lady in the streets...and a freak in the sheets," Robin intoned in a sultry whisper that made the cliched line utterly believable. It was hard to imagine that she was ad-libbing while her eyes grew from unobtrusive spots to spy on the cook.

Who was now sneaking up to their quarters as stealthily as possible.

" _He's coming,"_ Robin stated in a barely audible tone. Zoro wouldn't have heard a thing if the mouth hadn't grown out of his cheek to whisper directly into his ear.

For the love of Davy Jones, would Robin _ever_ stop being so creepy?

Zoro never got a chance to ponder the question. Nami's fist had made a huge lump in the back of his head.

" _Read the next line and make it good!"_ she hissed, her tongue forked and her eyes slitted like a cobra's.

" _Fuck me, you bitches would scare a straight dude queer - hell I'm halfway there."_ Zoro groused as he tried to find his lines. "Oh, baby, I'll treat you like a...uh... _real_...uh...lady each and every time. Not like that..."

[~~~]

"...blond wanna-be you were with."

Sanji's face fell to the floor and almost through the decking. That had definitely been a man's voice he'd heard from the women's bedroom! And it was insulting him! Their sworn defender!

"You shitty bastard, when I get my fuckin' hands on you, I'll..." Sanji muttered darkly as he tiptoed closer to the room, trying to get the timing for a _Flambage_ to the intruder's face.

"Oh him? He was fun to play with, but he's just a toy to pass the time."

It took Sanji a few ten seconds to recognize the harshly disparaging voice as Nami's - his beloved Nami-swan's! - own.

"...a toy?" Sanji croaked, his voice turning gravelly without a single cigarette to blame. Relaxing his leg very gently and laying his ear to the door, the chef tried very hard not to hyper-ventilate in shock.

"He didn't seem to understand that _we_ were doing _him_ a favor by acknowledging his existence," Robin continued in a voice like broken glass. Sanji literally felt the shards coming through the door and stabbing him in the heart.

" _Mellorines!_ " he wanted to wail piteously, but the words stuck in his throat as the unknown male continued.

"Mmm. Then he really _is_ a pansy-assed lightweight," the voice droned like a buzzsaw, the words burying themselves into the chef's head. "That's how I pegged him; sorry I'm such a good judge of character."

Sanji clutched his head in his hands as he sank to his knees. How low had he sunk in the eyes of his most precious females? What on _earth_ had he done to them? Was it the souffle from the other night? Dammit, he _knew_ he should have taken it out 34 seconds earlier for complete perfection! Damn Luffy and Usopp for choosing that time to haul in a Sea King!

"Would you believe...oh _yes_ , that feels _so_ good...would you believe that he tried to get us to _entertain_ a friend of his?

The chef dropped into a fetal position as the sneer in Nami's throat raked down his back like an attacking T-rex. Oh no! He should have known that doing something like that would be beneath his exquisite goddess' stature!

The male voice rose an octave, in what Sanji could only suppose was well-deserved fury.

" **What?** "

Robin's seductive purr made the cook instinctively roll to the door and scrape the wood longingly.

"Oh my, you're really _quite_ good at that. Ah, yes, as we were saying, that imbecilic-"

Sanji felt a spear drive its way into his heart.

"Moronic-"

Another spear landed in his shoulder.

"Limp-dicked, cock-eyed, pale belly, aborted pimple on the face on the earth-"

Sanji was surrounded by a forest of spears - not even his shoes could be seen. Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper paused their calisthenics on the lawn to observe the phenomenon. Brook and Franky peered up curiously at the ruckus, which was interrupting the cyborg's guitar lessons with the skeleton.

"Wanted to pimp us out to his _friend,_ " Robin ended in a throaty growl. "So we decided-"

" _Both_ of us," Nami added in a sensual vocal caress that caused a tombstone to rise most mysteriously from the decking behind Sanji's head.

"To seek out a better man, such as yourself...Zoro," Robin added with distinctly bitter pleasure as she opened the door to Sanji's corpse. The three actors stood in the doorway ( _fully clothed_ ) overshadowing the cook as his pale coloring became a ghastly zombie-grey.

"The- the- of all people- the...marimo?" Sanji groaned preternaturally. "Oh God! I should have known that it'd be impossible...!"

Nami lodged a heel in his throat as she laid the sole of her shoe on his face.

"Damn right, asshole," she growled out with a sharp jab to his Adam's apple. "That's what you get for trying to rent us out like whores to your buddies!"

"You fucking ero-cook, where the hell do you get off trying to sell their bodies like some ratty skanks?" Zoro ground out as _Kitetsu_ slipped in and out of its sheath.

"You are lucky that Luffy believes so much in you as a _nakama_ , or I would have killed you," Robin snipped out in concise, clear daggers of words.

Sanji's eyes, which had rolled up in the back of his head, suddenly snapped down. He hopped nimbly out of the mass of javelins that had pinned him and frowned at his accusers.

"What in **hell** are you all talking about?" Sanji bit off, his hands catching at the bulging wad in his back pocket. " **Who** was pimping you out to his buddies?"

" _ **You**_ were!" Nami screeched as she dug a nail into his chest. "You're the one that wanted us to _entertain_ a mutual friend of yours!"

Anger drifted out of his visible blue eye, leaving Sanji with a look of profound confusion.

"Yeah, I did- but you thought that I meant-?"

"What the hell _else_ could it mean, you pervy fry-boy?" Zoro snapped, _Kitetsu_ now fully drawn. "I oughta slice you right-"

The foot moved faster than Zoro had ever seen before, but the thick wad of papers that hit him right afterwards hurt worse. Swearing proficiently, the swordsman countered the next kick, ignoring the singing of his arm-hairs as he backhanded the chef away.

"You _**motherfucker**_ _!_ " Sanji roared, spitting out blood as Robin's arms held him down. The trio looked at each other, slightly alarmed. This wasn't how he was _supposed_ to have reacted. Robin lent an ear to Sanij's ranting as the other crewmates began to realize that something was terribly wrong.

"I went to the **fucking** trouble of trying to find an original Noh play since you mentioned that you liked the one that you'd watched as a kid _soo~oo_ much except for the guys playing girl parts, and this is the _**goddamned**_ thanks I get? You steal the cores of my hearts right from under me? _**Fuck you to hell, Zoro! I thought you were my friend!**_ "

And then Luffy was dragging the cook to the deck below where Usopp and Chopper could douse the flaming man with sea water, leaving a mortified first mate and completely baffled women behind. Franky and Brook clapped their hands on each of Zoro's shoulders.

"Meh, sorry Swords-bro, but looks like the surprise is out somehow. Damned _un_ super - Sanji'd given out all our roles except for the girls' own."

Robin frowned thoughtfully. Nami blanched. Zoro grunted in disbelief.

" Ohohoho yes," Brook supplied comfortingly. "He was afraid that acting would be beneath the high standards of you two ladies, but he really wanted to entertain our mutual friend..."

Nami covered her mouth with both hands to suppress the surprised sob that wanted to leak out. She could not _believe_ that even after going through hell to meet up once more, the one man that constantly stated that he loved her - she _chose_ to lump in with the sort of scum she'd known before.

Zoro was seriously considering _seppuku -_ he was pretty sure that a knife in his belly would feel a lot better than the way Sanji'd twisted the word "friend" into an invective. Why in the name of Rogers had he listened to the two women with this hare-brained scheme?

Everything became a distant buzzing in Robin's ears as the words finally sank in. When the cook had said _entertain_ , he had _actually_ meant- entertain. As in actually provide some sort of non-sexual entertainment to someone. As in acting.

As in nothing like what Crocodile would ever have suggested.

"I believe," the historian began in an unusually stilted voice, "I believe that we may have over-reacted a bit..."

[~~~]

It took a few days, but Sanji eventually stopped trying to kill Zoro on sight. Just a week later, after spotting Nami and Robin bearing down on him, he'd slumped his head in defeat.

"It's okay, ladies. I get it. He makes you both happy and you...you _trust_ him...a lot more than you trust me."

Before Nami could get in range to hug him, the cook had twisted out of Robin's brace of arms ( _as gently as possible_ ) and practically floated down the corridor. Luffy, who'd been dragged away from the hallway by his first mate, took one look at the three of them and gave them his hat for the whole day.

The next night, Zoro was rewarded with a bottle of sake - his first since the incident.

" _I still hate your ever-living guts and if we get marooned somewhere, I'm damned likely to kill and clean you in a heartbeat."_ the cook whispered in his ear sinisterly, both eyes hidden by the brim of the straw-hat. _"But if I ever hear that you made either of them regret it, skinning you alive will be the_ _ **nicest**_ _thing I'll do to you."_

Before the swordsman could grab the damned _fool_ and make him listen to reason, he was across the table serving seconds to Luffy. That simple chore took all night, leaving Zoro out of time for explanations when his watch came around.

[~~~]

A few more weeks passed and Sanji was slowly getting used to being alone in his kitchen again. He casually set out a basket of fruit on the table, aiming to prepare them for his- _the_ \- ladies' favorite drinks in the afternoon. With his back to the door and their combined stealth abilities, he never noticed the ambulatory plant life until they started talking.

"Yo, look guys, it's that dude who likes to chop us up!"

Sanji whipped around with a snarl, but he only saw a rather large lime dancing on the table.

What?

"Hey, it is! Hi there, Mr. Sexy Knives!" a tangerine - one of Nami's precious treats! - crooned lovingly.

"Indeed. He is quite talented with his hands," one of the plums piped up and- yep, this time he could see one of Robin's hands moving the fruit.

"He looks quite sad though. As if he's lost his best friend," the plum continued. Sanji snorted. That fucking marimo. He'd be his first and last friend if he had his way.

"Maybe his girlfriend too," the tangerine pondered solemnly. Sanji tried not to smirk - he could tell now that it was Nami speaking - the little tangerine's voice was adorable!

"Maybe even _two_ girlfriends, the poor sod," the lime uttered blandly. The voice grated on the chef's nerves far too much for it _not_ to be Zoro. "Ah well, at least he's got _nakama_."

"Hey, that's right! You can never go wrong with _nakama!_ Even if they're two girls who think the worst of a great guy,"

"And drag people into hare-brained schemes-" the lime interjected rudely.

"Because they are still insecure about their past, and have trouble acting on their good fortune," the plum finished off wisely. "But more importantly, _nakama_ is always _nakama_ , so you always-"

"Forgive them," the guilty trio intoned as they crawled from beneath the table to face Sanji's ire.

Truthfully, the situation did not look good. Sanji's back was still turned to them and his cigarette was burning brightly. The knuckles of his hand were clenched on the knife until they were quite white with loss of blood flow. His shoulders were shaking.

"Shit," Zoro muttered as he watched the tension gathering in the cook's spine. "Told you we'd need a song and dance number."

"Regrettably, you have two left feet," Robin replied mournfully. "You would probably have injured us all in the process of entering the room."

"Sanji-kun," Nami began with a quiver in her voice. "Please forgive us. Let's just sit down and hear each other..."

" _Fuck_ , Marimo, you sounded like _such_ a _princess!_ " Sanji howled, unable to control his laughter anymore. Zoro growled in response, but his hand didn't bother straying to his swords. Instead, the rumbling and snorting and unmanly _giggling_ eventually got to the swordsman.

"Not my fault, dartboard. Hell, don't you keep any bigger fruit on board, like a melon or something?"

For some reason, that got Nami and Robin snorting too. Soon, all four of them were wheezing and gasping for air as laughter robbed them of the ability to breath. Eventually, as the two women collapsed at the table, Sanji turned around, wiping at his tear-streaked face. Even under the cover of so much laughter, it was obvious that the cook had been crying.

Not that Zoro got to see much, as a pineapple and a knife came flying at his head. He barely caught the objects before they could take out his eyes, but by that time the cook had turned back around to the sink.

"Keep your hands busy, shitty marimo and maybe we won't have time to kill each other," Sanji grumbled as he went back to washing and peeling fruit. "Ladies...is it okay if you keep us dumb-nuts company? I mean, just sit at the table and talk and tell us the news and..."

A hand grew out of the chef's chest to cover his rambling mouth. Zoro took up a position at the next sink as he began to decapitate the defenseless fruit.

"We get it now, Sanji. Even if we make a few mistakes, we're _nakama_ , aren't we?" Nami stated with a contented smile.

[~~~]

* * *


	4. Herbal Interlude

"Hey guys, there're someones that I've been thinking of losing my virginity to pretty soon. Can you guys help me, or give me any tips, or something?" Luffy asked bluntly as he watched Usopp take the money that'd been wagered in the center of the poker table. It was Friday night - the ladies' usual night out to the movies - so the men had also made it their poker night and unofficial men's night in. Minus the strippers, but that was only because Kaya was not a fan of gynecological exams and Nojiko was a little strict on Chopper's own performance of them. Apparently cleanliness was a passing fad in some of Shabondy's dens.

Groaning loudly, Eustass Kidd, Trafalgar Law and X. Drake handed Flame-fist Ace, Lead-pipe Sabo and Red-haired Shanks huge wads of beri notes. Sanji pulled out his tobacco papers and a bag filled with a suspiciously scented, finely ground herb. Zoro, Usopp, Franky, Brook, Chopper, Benn Beckman, Shanks, Ace, Sabo, Law, Drake, and Kidd all snatched a blunt from the pile growing beneath the blond chef's nimble fingers.

"Ne, ne - I thought you said that we'd only smoke those _Mad Bombers_ during something..uh, what's the word? Oh yeah! During something _stressful_?" Luffy asked curiously, his nose wrinkling up from the smell as Sanji's lighter went around the room. Eventually it came around to the young Pirate King, who only had a little trouble lighting the proffered roll this time.

"Shit-head," Sanji puffed as he exhaled the first hit off his blunt. "This _is_ stressful."

"Truly," Sabo agreed after he'd cleared his mouth of the smoke. "None of us are going to talk to _you_ about sex while we're free of influences."

"And it just takes too damn long for your first mate to get drunk," Ace muttered as a thin stream of haze poured from the blunt that he was lighting with his finger.

"Never thought I'd think of that as a pain in the ass until now," Zoro grumbled, his mouth spilling purple fog the entire time.

"It's no offense, sonny," Shanks wheezed - his last puff had obviously gone the wrong way. "I just don't think there's enough alcohol in the _world_ to prepare us for this."

"Might not be enough herb either," Usopp grumbled as he took another drag. "Maybe we should have gone with crack?"

"What we should have done," Law intoned as he licked his lips and savored the flavor of the weed. "Is pass a damn law to make sure the Pirate King had gotten through _puberty_ before ruling the seas."

"We could always demonstrate," Kidd leered through the cloud billowing in front of him.

"The day that someone puts a collar and leash on you will not come soon enough," Drake mumbled as his eyes began to droop.

"Ohoho, Captain is pretty good at memorizing songs. Maybe we can teach him that way?" Brook suggested as his rib-cage leaked herbal essence.

"What, like _Two in the Pink, One in the Stink_? Are ya _tryin_ ' ta get the girly to kill us?" Franky asked irritably, the smoke wending its way out of his ears.

"He's right," Benn commented blandly as he contemplated shapes in the bluish mist. "We need to get the information in his head some other way."

"Uhm, Luffy?" Chopper began nervously before laying aside his blunt. "Exactly _which_ virginity were you referring to, again? What I mean is, do you want to...uh... _pitch_ , or do you want to...um... _catch_? And were you thinking of...er... _performing_ with a _guy_ or a woman?"

Luffy tipped his head free of the intoxicating cloud that had now flowed to all corners of the room. He hummed as he considered what he had seen of his intended lovers, then casually made his determination.

"I think I'm gonna need to learn about both for both. The persons I'm thinking of are pretty good friends of Iva-chan's. I may even do both at the same time."

The men in the room stared. And blinked. Collectively.

"Not enough weed in this entire _dimension_ ," they all muttered as they took a second blunt from Sanji's pile.

[~~~]


	5. Fermented Fruit Fallout

Every male member of the Pirate Council ( _including Zoro, amazingly enough_ ) was nursing one of the worst hangovers in recorded history. They had all crawled into the kitchen from various parts of the _Thousand Sunny_ , covered in the most peculiar substances known to man and stinking of certain illegal vegetation.

"Oh Santa," Chopper moaned as he contemplated the ease of shaving off his fur instead of trying to get it clean. "Thank you for providing us with Makino, so that Shanks' and Beckmann's retirement-cum-bachelor party will _remain_ a once-in-a-lifetime experience."

"A~men!" the other men chanted, the relief visibly etched on their pale, sweaty faces.

"This is _seriously_ the first time since I was ten that I have woken up too drunk to have a chubby," Kidd groaned before ducking his head back into a nearby bucket. A dinosaur-headed X. Drake sighed as quietly as he possibly could before putting his claws in his ear holes and rolling over onto the side facing _away_ from the crimson-haired supernova.

"I _seriously_ had _no_ desire to ever know that about you. Please stop sharing. _Please?_ "

"Hurts too much to cook for _les mellorines_!" Sanji croaked as he curled up in a ball next to Zoro, the two men lodged in the darkest corner they could find.

"God, if You make the pain go away," the swordsman muttered, "I promise I'll stop hiding Sensei's feathery, gay-ass hat!"

Mihawk frowned, but couldn't muster the energy to kill his former student; not when mere splinters in his back were currently too much trouble to roll off of. Why had he come to this party again? Other than another of Shanks' evil, _haki and smut_ -laced suggestions?

' _Ah, yes...now I remember,'_ the former swordsman managed to smirk inwardly as he remembered how Makino had both men neatly wrapped around her little fingers. She was an even more devious puppet-master than Doflamingo.

"I...I'm not hungry...I...I can't **taste** anything! Oh God! Ace, Sabo...my mouth hurts too much to eat! My virility!" Luffy wailed piteously as he pushed aside his usual morning tray of meat to hurl out of the closest porthole - coincidentally, it was the one that Ace had just vacated.

"Shut _up_ , Luffy and make room, you rubbery black hole! At least you're not scared of your devil fruit powers right now! If I sneeze, I have a bad feeling we'll _all_ end up feeling toasty in our asses."

"Dude, you singed my long 'n' curlies off with your snoring! They were all shiny too!" Sabo yelped as he rolled up to stare at the new bald patches under his knee caps.

" _Why_ must you brothers provide _way_ too much information?" Usopp whined from under the table, only the tip of his nose visible. "It is far, _far_ too bright for this shit."

Franky laid unmoving next to the sniper, his hair limp and his sunglasses flashing a bright cyan "Empty" sign. Brook was busy trying to jam a full bottle of cola into the cyborg's emergency reservoir.

"Tooooo old for this. Rockin' out is for the young'uns now, Yorki! Ah, Mr. Law, if you'd be so good as to stop hogging the sink and breathe occasionally? I don't think Chopper could revive you if you were to die right now."

Law came up spluttering and shivering from the pile of cold, soaking, dirty wares that had made it into the sink two nights ago.

"The doct- _hic!_ -tor is currently unavailable unless its a choice between my death and a cure for this hangover. In which case, I will kill you very politely and steal it."

Yes, all in all, things were looking very poorly indeed for the Pirate Council, until they began to notice the state of their clothing.

Or _lack_ there of.

[~~~]

"Alright," Zoro ground out after he wept bitterly over his favorite black denim jeans - found in the ship's hold with Eustass' handprints all over the back and the crotch seam neatly split in two, crumpled in front of a barrel next to a comatose, naked Killer, a skein of rough silk and melted candles. Every man present briefly commiserated with the swordsman over his lost clothing - except, of course, Kidd and Killer.

"We're all dressed now- _I said thirty fucking feet away, Kidd, or I swear I'll-!_ **Calm...calm** my pretty little _Kitetsu_. Daddy'll feed _you_ later," the green-haired man began as he maliciously eyed Kidd's shifting feet. "As I was saying, we're all decent enough now. Anyone remember anything about last night after Shanks came on-boar- _If you so much as_ _ **crack**_ _your lips open, Eustass-!_ "

Sanji held Zoro back as _Kitetsu_ sang out in a hungry whine that made even Kidd pause. The chef negligently kicked Killer back towards his crimson-haired rapist and tried to ignore the bedlam behind him (" _He was willing! I swear!" Kidd shrieked as Zoro escaped Sanji's grasp. "You_ _ **tied**_ _ **him up**_ _with one of_ _ **my**_ _fundoshis!" Zoro howled as he frothed and grew two more heads.)_

"Hands up anyone whose ass is hurting - other than Killer," Sanji drawled as he lit a cigarette. A quick check showed that no-one else had been set upon by the resident try-sexual ( _yes, Eustass_ _ **will**_ _try to have sex with anything_ ). A large sigh of relief went up and the D. brothers roped Zoro in, thereby halting the current attempts to murder the South Blue yonkou.

"Anyone too sore to even piss straight?" Sanji continued while pinning Zoro ( _who was now in full_ _Cerberus mode_ ) to the ground. Most everyone, including himself and the slavering, three-headed man-wolf under his shoe, raised their hands.

"Anyone have a clue as to where the ladies might be?" the chef pressed on.

Ah. There, apparently, was a stumper. After a lot of muttering and cursing and shifting, a small ghost popped out of nowhere and landed on Law's shoulder. The other men fell silent as the unearthly being relayed its message.

"Mmm?" the North Blue yonkou hummed as it whispered in his ear. "Ah, very. Duly noted. Thank her for me and tell her she's on punishment detail."

Turning away as the ghost dissolved into thin air, Law addressed the assembly.

"Perona says the ladies were exceedingly tender from various...adventures...last night, so they joined Vivi and Kohza on shore and are now soaking in the women's baths with Sadi-chan and the real Killer acting as guards. Sanji, Bonney says to drink plenty and rest your tongue. Nami and Kaya tell you and Luffy the same thing, Usopp. Sabo, we are no longer to tag-team Perona and Marguerite on pain of explosions and _haki-_ laced arrows in our arseholes. Ace and X. Drake, Hancock has made some mention of manly, reptilian love - can't hear very well over Lady Crocodile's laughter. Franky, Robin says the baby oil is in your chest cavity; Chopper, Nojiko left some of the aphrodisiac out and she wants you to put it back up - carefully, since we may all still be sensitive to the dust. Brook, Shakky says that the last pair of panties was worthy enough for a sneak pre-recording of your next Billboard Top 50 release. Zoro and Mihawk, Tashigi and Iva-chan say the ropes were a little too tight this time, so they need the salve. Oh, and wake up the wedding party. Then they all screamed thank you to us for being so lively and loving and _sharing_ all of last night."

The silence was thicker than pea soup in the hold after Law dutifully divulged the message; its sheer weight nearly suffocated everyone present. After a good five minutes, bedlam erupted again as the men ( _save for Kidd_ ) began to bang their heads on any nearby solid surface, hoping to dredge up memories of the night before.

In the meantime, Killer briefly woke up, changed back to Bentham, and snuggled up next to the bound and gagged Kidd on his pimping fur coat.

[~~~]

Eventually, they were satisfied with their restored memories - if the nosebleeds were anything to go by. After a few minor chores and a thorough hosing of the ship, the men gathered the few clean towels they could find and dragged themselves landward to saunter to the baths.

At least, that was what they were _trying_ to do before they heard Makino screaming in a high-pitched voice.

" _ **Harder, Ben! Ah yes, more, Shanks, more! Ngh, I'm going to-"**_

" **To the baths!** " Usopp roared as he took in the traumatized faces of the three brothers. Franky, Sanji and Zoro obliged and dragged three of the worst men to _ever_ pick a fight with out of hearing range of the continued orgy. No need to have the Pirate King, the East Blue yonkou and the new head of the Revolutionaries killing the grooms for assaulting their mother before the actual ceremony. Besides, seeing Bentham attacking Kidd in full bondage regalia had destroyed enough innocence for one day. Even Mihawk was busy marveling at his friends' continued prowess while becoming mildly terrified of the man-eater - er, bartender - that they were marrying the next day.

The West Blue yonkou was so disturbed by his first Pirate Council party, he was _still_ wearing his tyrannosaurus head. Not that Lady Crocodile minded - too much.

Once more, the Pirate Council pledged to keep allegiance to the most profound rule on the Grand Line - _never, ever, ever_ let the Council hold a bachelor party for one of its members.

Ever.

 _  
**Ever.**   
_

[~~~]

"Ooooooooo! Eustass, were you going to propose to me?" Bentham asked as she... _he_ took the diamond ring from his... _her_ boyfriend's coat pocket.

[~~~]

* * *


	6. Peppers Add Bite

"Dude, I'm warning you, get to _hell_ off of me!" Ace barked as his booted foot lashed out awkwardly at X. Drake.

The Pirate Council - actually, the Pirate King, the four yonkous, and the head of the Revolution - were trying to sunbathe outside on the deck. It wasn't a planned event in an attempt to increase the sexy, rugged, outdoorsman-like coloring of their skin ( _which Kidd and Sabo would no doubt continue to fail in achieving_ ). Rather, it was a by-product of a scorchingly hot day with only an occasional breeze, Sanji's sulphuric swearing making the kitchen a nauseating place to eat, Zoro's brimstone sweat causing eyes to burn upon entering the crow's-nest gym to train, Chopper's growl of indignation as they tried to leach the infirmary's air conditioning, and the chemical explosion that had manifested itself as they barged into Usopp's and Franky's combined workshop unannounced.

No-one wanted to interrupt Brook's concert in Laboon's stomach.

"But...Portgasss," Drake hissed, flicking his tongue lightly as his tail slithered on the rough decking. "You're ssso _warm.._.and the deck is ssso _cold-_ "

"Dude, I don't give a flying fuck if you needed me to keep your _heart_ beating - you try to lie down on my back again and it's a _Hail Mary, full of Ace's flaming foot_ up your ass!"

Kidd, Luffy, and Sabo snorted loudly before erupting in an unmanly fit of giggling. Law smirked and pointedly rolled over onto his backside as Drake pouted and looked at the doctor hopefully.

"Surely there's _someone_ \- _anyone -_ else who could provide you with the requisite heat?" The Surgeon of Death suggested mildly as he pillowed his head on his arms - he briefly wished that his first mate was present to provide his usual luxurious upholstery, but in light of the current situation...

" _ **Ivankov!**_ Where the _mother-fucking_ hell are you, you cock-sucking, try-sexual, ass-raping _**transvestite?**_ "

A flurry of sand that briefly held the form of a human figure wafted past the Council, scouring everyone's faces as it whipped along on a man-made breeze. Drake held his reptilian head high and took a large whiff of air as it blew by.

"Who...or what...on Earth was ssshe?" the West Blue yonkou queried sibilantly as the others snorted and sneezed and coughed up bits of scratchy sand particles.

"That - _ack, koff, koff -_ was probably ol' Croc," Luffy wheezed. "He likes to call - _hack, hack, hack -_ himself Sir Crocodile, even though he got kicked out of the Shichibukai."

"More likely to be _Lady_ \- _ah...ah...ah-_ _ **choo**_ _! -_ Croc right now, judging from that string of unpleasantness," Sabo managed to puff out in-between sneezes.

"Yah," Kidd acknowledged as he snorted out a wad of sand-laden mucus from his nose. "She's ten times as bitchy as he is in female mode, and Iva just _loves_ to switch him to her when she'd be periodic. Or something. Did anyone understand what I just said?"

"Hell no, Eustass," the others replied sleepily. Drake just lifted his head to sniff the air again.

"Think I'm gonna take a walk," the dinosaur-man muttered aimlessly as he got up in a hurry and followed the whirling dervish's sandy trail. Ace watched the speed with which he disappeared in utter amazement.

"Guys...there's no way that Drake would want to fuck a female Crocci-chan, right? He's not as suicidally girl-horny as San-?" the East blue yonkou muttered in a worried-tinged voice before a narcoleptic wave washed over him, rendering him unconscious in a split-second.

"Hell no, Ace," the others answered sleepily, soon following his example.

[~~~]

Lady Crocodile had been dead certain that she could beat Ivankov's location from that brat-king's ero-cook, but Sanji had apparently chosen that moment to be kidnapped by the Bonney pirates and spanked for not feeding his queen. Or something. Jewelry Bonney had been a little under-dressed and overly vague in her wording. Sanji had been gagged with a panty and had hearts fluttering over his head.

Things were apparently as strange as ever on the Pirate King's ship.

Crocodile snorted and harrumphed before ending her useless pacing and taking up a position in a chair near the oven - the appliance's warmth was delicious on her sore back. Ivankov _knew_ how much she hated pre-menstrual syndrome. Hers was typically so bad that it _crippled_ her for a full three days out of every month. How could she be an effective _pirate_ with such a _weakness_?

"Y'know, I have a cure for that."

The deep, bass voice made shivers roll down her body as it rumbled over her, demanding acquiescence and acknowledgment of its superiority. Lady Crocodile looked up from the table and met the gaze of the far larger reptile in the room.

"X. Drake," she snarled - why the _hell_ was it coming out like a _purr_? "What would you know about curing a _woman's_ needs?"

Internally, Crocodile smacked herself repeatedly. Why was her phrasing so damned suggestive? And why were her eyes running over the half-naked yonkou's absolutely mouth-watering six-pack-?

" _I will_ _ **kill**_ _Ivankov for giving me back these_ _ **stupid**_ _hormones!"_ Lady Crocodile snapped mentally, but then her musings were ruptured by the rumble of the dinosaur-man again.

"Darling, I've got something for _everything_ that's ailing you," Drake growled out as his eyes shone with lechery.

"Oh _really_?" Lady Crocodile snarled loudly ( _there, that sounded_ _ **much**_ _more threatening_ ). "So you have a cure for a woman who wants something sweet, sour, spicy, salty, _and_ bitter, all at the same time, until she can find and drink something's blood?"

Drake flicked his tongue over his dry lips at her challenge. He smirked as the delectable little desert lizard followed the motion with her beady, black eyes.

"Wait here and close your eyes," he grumbled in response, his voice dropping almost to subsonic frequencies. Oh yes - he _clearly_ saw the way that low-pitched groan was tearing at her vibrating body.

Lady Crocodile shivered in a subtle response to the dominant bass-line in Drake's words, but she wasn't _that_ far gone in the cloud of pheromones his body had started oozing. Hell, no. She had far better control over herself than tha-

Why were her eyes closed again?

She didn't get to complete her thoughts as she listened to the large ex-marine scrummage around in the galley. She could hear a few bottles opening and there was a hint of something alkaline in the air... The microwave beeped every few seconds and then there was the sound of pounding...

"Try this, my fair lady," the dungeon-deep voice droned in her ear - god-damnit, when had he snuck up behind her?

A piece of food - it smelled like...beef? - dangled in front of her nose. Sniffing lightly, she took it tentatively into her mouth, unafraid of any attempts at poisoning. Sand did not get poisoned, after all and she already had the intestinal fortitude of a Komodo dragon. What she didn't expect was to be chewing on a piece of salted meat that had been soaked in a warm marinade of...chocolate, habaneros, lime juice, and brown sugar.

Well hot damn. Maybe dino-boy _did_ know a thing or two. Still, it was a good idea to stick him with her hook - just to speed the feeding along and let him know who was _really_ in charge.

When the next few pieces were introduced to her lips by way of Drake's teeth - well, she wasn't complaining. She didn't open her eyes either.

Drake had to admit, this little sand salamander did put up a good fight. But as they say, you can't rape the willing...or the well-fed, apparently.

[~~~]

" _ **Drake~~~!**_ Why the _**fuck**_ are you and Crocodile-swan nesting in my kitchen? Oh my- The _diseases_! My _**table**!_ " Sanji screeched before he swirled around and proceeded to _flambage_ the ex-marine.

" _Mmm~_ , ssso warm," Drake drawled as he rolled over on his stomach, a satisfied and far less bitchy Crocodile by his side.

[~~~]

Ivankov and Bentham snorted and chuckled outside the kitchen porthole as they charted the score - Iva-chan _15_ , Zero-chan _0_.

[~~~]


	7. The Punch Was Spiked With Lemonade

Robin watched with a mix of perverse delight and horror as Ace and Sabo - or Une and Ibis as they liked to be known when Ivankov went wild like this - dragged the reluctant ( _but obviously horny_ )Anaconda Manco - _Boa Hancock -_ and Marcus into the _Thousand Sunny's_ men's quarters, where Luffyko was currently spread-eagled and naked and _moaning_ all over his - _her_ \- bunk.

The former Baroque Works' agent drew the line at watching the Amazon...men...unleash their _serpents_ on the cooing trio of East Blue...women. His eyeballs fluttered away rapidly as Luffyko, Une and Ibis dove onto the fresh meat, so to speak.

"This place," he muttered to himself while three hands squeezed the bridge of his sharp, bloody nose, "never ceases to surprise me."

His current partner only shuffled her deck of cards idly as Bonne and Toshi traipsed past, naked save for strategically placed whipped cream, chasing after a giggling Sonja and a drukenly crude Zora, who had apparently decided that less was more - if the tight, short, non-concealing lace apron and the ragged, abbreviated, sloppily-tied yukata were anything to go by.

Robin really did love Sonja's strong, prominent hips and Toshi's well-muscled body, but Zora's ass was eye-candy of the highest degree, and Bonne's sheer amplitude...the thought made him shiver in a weird frisson of disgust and rapture. He was suddenly very thankful that all of these attributes were rarely revealed for general viewing pleasure.

"Chances that these activities will decrease within the next several hours are becoming rather miniscule," his partner drawled slowly as she shifted in the hammock. Robin could only smirk thinly as he looked up just in time to catch Namizou and Ky manhandle Sogehime into a corner of the bathroom before the window shade came down.

Dammit. Her lush, brown, curly locks fell down over some particularly pert nipples. He'd been hoping to catch sight of them again...

Robin caught movement out of the corner of his eye - Perron had Traffina in a new lolita-girl outfit - complete with choker and leash - licking his new leather boots. He really didn't want to know what Frankie was doing behind the now-female doctor - he'd lost a little affection for the cyborg lady after realizing that the breasts were silicone implants, as good as they were for a self-done operation.

...Just a little though. The operation was _really_ well done.

The real fun, though, was watching his former boss, Lady Crocodile, rolling around in one of the lifeboats with X. Draconia. That woman was obviously blessed with a long, talented tongue and some strong thighs, even if her legs weren't as long as Sonja's or as graceful as Ibis'-

Skanks and Bennina squealed loudly from the blow-up pool on the grass, interrupting Robin's musings as Maki continued to lick beer off of their drenched bodies instead of scooping it from the pool itself. Honestly, Maki was a freak to the nth degree - they could _all_ stand to learn from her - _him_.

Either one.

"Likelihood that Ivankov remained in this location after spiking the lemonade and the rum punch - 2% and lessening," Robin's partner continued, now straddling his narrow, naked lap. Her blonde hair swept straight over her firm behind, almost as enthralling as the way she was plucking her gloves off with her sharp teeth. The sight kept Robin from turning her head as Noji 'helped' a loud and happy Toni Toni in the infirmary below. Killer's screams of delight as Sadi-kun spanked her over the figure-head didn't even make the Straw-hat archaeologist flinch - he was too busy trying to remember how to breathe as "The Magician" sank on his length.

"Maybe," Robin murmured as he moved to sit up and kiss the slender, fair woman - if only to ignore Bentham's frenzied wailing as Eulie ground herself against the bound, now fully male dancer in the crow's nest gym, "That's for the best tonight, hmm?"

"I _utterly_ agree," Mihanna purred into his neck, slipping her taut, finely-shaped sword-master's - _sword-mistress' -_ body behind the dark-haired man while her ample bosom rubbed delicious circles on his broad, fair back, "So let's all enjoy, hmmm?"

[~~~]

Brooke wallowed in the mountain of discarded boxers and briefs and panties that she'd been able to make off with.

"Yohohohoho! If only Okama-san and Captain Kidd could have another bachelorette party!"

"Ve can _alvays_ arrange these things, can't ve candy boy?" Iva-chan purred wickedly.

[~~~]


	8. Omake: Why Not Dine Out?

"You fucking bottomless rubber pit, that's my drumsti- Zzz~!"

"My meat! Mine! Shit, you burned it aga- Ah, pinky! Let it go~!"

"He needs his meat, you lowly slattern! Unhand it!"

"You colorless, goth, Revolutionary shit-head, gimme back my pizz-!"

"Fucking sword-wanker, geroff my beer!"

"You witch! Stop charging the sake to my tab!"

"Shitty-ass marimo! Don't talk to a lady like tha-!"

"You long-nose coward, how dare you steal my fruit!"

"Leave him alone you orange-haired bully!"

"Ah! You sneaky reindeer, those were mi- Sogeking's!"

"Ahhhh! You just drank all my milk!"

" _Brurooap!_ Nohohohohoo! That is not C-sharp minor on guitar at all!"

"Oi, girlie, don't steal my fries with three hands!"

"Return my body parts before I am forced to assassinate you, doctor."

"...Return my utensils before I keel-haul your crimson-coated testes..."

"Fuck you, you and- you flaming ass okama, stop laughing at my- !"

"Okama my way, hunny-buns- Stop joking around and give me back that bottle!"

"Unhand my Captain's...bitch's...liquor, lizard, or I shall be forced to-"

"You stupid mammals, stop being so uselessly rest- "

"Hiiiiii-ya! Bear chop- My eyes!"

"Waa~agh! You flaming criminal from justice, don't pass gas like that! My glasses!"

"Zz~ snhnga ha? Whuh? Argh! Who dropped soup on my head? **Hey!** That's **my** drumstick I said!"

[~~~]


	9. The Cantaloupes Were A Lie!

The past two years had been taxing on the reserves of the Straw-hats. They had had to deal with an unnatural, brutally swift separation at the hands of Kuma after an utter annihilation at the hands of a marine admiral and his underling.

They had to deal with their personal torment after the failed rescue of Luffy's older brother, as well as the extra burdens of guilt - guilt for losing, guilt for not reuniting, guilt for not being there for their captain, guilt for being so _weak_ when their nakama had needed them the most.

They had to struggle for the strength they acquired - opening their minds to new ideas, new thoughts, new methods of doing just about everything. Swallowing their pride to beg for help, endure punishments, appeal to their new colleagues, withstand the _loneliness_ and _homesickness_ and _heartache_.

But one aspect they had _not_ planned for - one critical development that they had _no idea_ would play such a crucial role, particularly for the younger crewmates - was sex.

Oh, it crossed their minds when they thought about their cook, but really, it was only a passing moment. A quick "Hope he had girls to fawn over." Or "That idiot is going to get killed by some woman."

They did not expect what actually happened at the reunion.

[~~~]

"Nami~!" Luffy screamed in delight, bounding across Shakky's bar only to bury her in a rubbery bear hug.

And face-plant himself in her cleavage.

"Oh God, I never thought I'd miss boobies this much, but these are _so_ good after two years with my hand!" he wailed as he buried his head into her plush flesh. Nami was still struck dumb with shock.

"The hell?" Sanji roared from halfway across the archipelago, before speeding into the room foot-first, knocking his captain off of the navigator.

"Thanks, Sanji-kun- **Hey!** "

Sanji's head was now firmly ensconced in Nami's bosom, his smile more dopey than a den-den mushi full of fermented seaweed.

"Dear, sweet God, real woman flesh! Breasts of a true-born goddess! Two years of dodging okamas and dresses have _never_ been better rewarded!"

"Oi, ero-cook! Learn to share!"

Sanji was sent flying with a wicked elbow in all the right places. Nami could only squawk as a head full of green locks mashed into her soft breasts, humming in enjoyment.

"A living, breathing, unzombified woman. I swear these are better than goose-down pillows."

Then Usopp's newest weapon became a thorn in the swordman's side. Literally.

"Watch the nose!" Nami quipped as the extended proboscis buried itself in her heaving chest.

"Hallelujah, the smell of real woman! Not any fake, man-eating plant trying to lure me to my death with cantaloupes, but a real woman!"

Which is about all the sniper got out before the other three young men dragged him off of the orange-haired siren and into a highly-destructive brawl in the middle of the bar.

Brook, Franky, and Chopper were left to sweat drop in the bar's doorway, while Robin and Shakky finished chuckling.

"Ah, puberty," the older piratess murmured as she, Rayleigh, Dragon, and Robin exchanged a quick toast over a fine brandy. "It's hit the poor lads like a brick to the head."

Rayleigh snorted as he cleared the fire burning down his throat.

"I swore that boy was going to set the island ablaze from friction alone. I wouldn't let those four loose without a vat of petroleum jelly and a mess of towels. I wonder if he takes after his father?"

Dragon managed to smirk instead of blush as he threaded his fingers with those of his new wife. Robin, however, had the grace to tinge her cheeks a light pink.

"I'll leave that to Robin to disclose whenever she sees fit," Dragon added smartly before draining his glass. "Alas, I have to return to the Revolution. Luffy! Keep your step-mother safe!"

A thumb briefly rose above the fracas. Dragon decided that it meant that his son would heed his words.

"Good-bye dear. Remember what we discussed about usurping power and crushing regimes," Robin replied throatily as Dragon gave her a lingering kiss (" _Goddammit,_ _ **I**_ _wanted to do that some day!" the young men screamed as Sanji kicked their captain in the gut, Zoro threw a headlock around the cook, Usopp jabbed the swordsman in the butt, and Luffy tackled the sniper._ ) before departing with a swirl of his cape. Shakky and Rayleigh gave the young historian a knowing glance before she sighed and smiled wickedly. They all laughed.

In the meantime, Nami had recovered from her shock and left her seat, marching purposefully across the room.

 _'Finally!'_ Franky, Brook, and Chopper thought, _'She'll pound them on the head and then things will go back to normal!'_

Unfortunately, normalcy - even for the Straw-hats - had obviously taken a vacation. To the shock of all present, the navigator and weather-witch laughed loudly, threw her hands wide, and scooped all four male heads to her bosom.

"I'm pretty sure there's enough for everyone!" she chortled as Luffy's hair, Sanji's goatee, Zoro's mustache, and Usopp's sideburns tickled and reddened her skin. With a hoot of approval, the four men swept her off her feet and proceeded to smother her in kisses and nips and caresses of the most wicked kind.

"By the way," Robin whispered into the ears of the flabbergasted remnants of the crew through a pair of disembodied lips on the wall behind them. "Have I mentioned that Dragon and I have an _open_ marriage?"

Rayleigh was amazed to learn that skeletons, reindeers, _and_ cyborgs could all blush. The nose-bleeds were just a bit over the top though.

"I _really_ love these brats!" the Dark King chortled as he leaned back and pulled Shakky into his lap for a quick peck on the lips.

"You would, old lecher."

[~~~]


	10. Banana versus Tangerine, Round 1

"So, uhm, I'm kinda thinking of proposing to Nami this weekend."

Conversation in the pool hall stopped dead - all noise came to a screeching halt. Even the bartender ( _the sort of man that made 'stoic' sound like the description of a rambunctious teenager_ ) stopped shining his mugs to stare at the Pirate King's sniper in equal parts shock, awe, and horror.

Sanji was the first to come back to some semblance of life as he clapped the slack-jawed Ky ( _Kaya had too much fun as a man to bother changing back_ ) on the shoulder and pushed him over to the barkeep.

"Order up a whole new keg of Jameson, rookie. This one is going to take some time to work through."

Zoro merely cursed the fact that it was his week to hold the weed stash. He couldn't roll a blunt worth jack.

[~~~]

After a hit off the hookah that the marimo managed to put together, Kidd decided to put in his own two cents.

"Dude, that bitch will eat you alive in the wedding bed. From the cock up. I'm downing a fifth in your memory."

Law snorted his agreement as he handed the pipe over to Drake.

"In all honesty, Mr. Sogeking - do you fully realize that you are talking about proposing to _the most powerful woman on Earth_?"

"And she packs a wicked nutcracker when she's mad, which is _all_ the time," Luffy added as he cleaned his nose. "Usopp, man, you sure about this?"

The sniper swallowed hard before passing the pipe onto the East Blue yonkou. He didn't speak, but nodded his head vigorously.

"Dude," Ace exhaled as he passed the pipe to his younger brother. "The woman holds debts on almost three-quarters of the Line. You and Luffy are only free cuz he has control of One Piece and you're her royal mint. She'll ruin the economy without you to stand up to her!"

"Listen," Drake hissed as the narcotic finally began to affect him. "Is there any way you can get her to take that lien off my ship? Cuz otherwise, I might have to kidnap you to get that interest rate lowered."

"I'm in on that action," Zoro mumbled in a dark monotone, already broke for the month after paying back interest on his swords.

"Shut up, you ingrates," Ky muttered as he indulged himself in a manly glass of the whiskey. "The only reason you need as to why you shouldn't marry that bitch is the fact that she's a man-stealing slut who sells her body to anyone with the cash. And she pimps you out when you're Sogehime. I still owe her for that time in the bathroom..."

"Stop it, Ky - God, you were far less bitchy when you were a woman!" Sanji groused as he waited impatiently for Franky to pass the pipe. "Seriously, do you really think you're up to Nami's standards?"

"Girlie _has_ kinda redefined the meaning for 'high maintenance,' Nose-bro," Franky warned ominously as he adjusted the heat in the hookah. "I ain't sure ya can handle that sorta dame."

"It's the sort of heartbreak that I write songs about all the time!" the Soul King hooted loudly while adjusting his crown. "You don't want to live in the middle of those things!"

"What on earth," Chopper began as he finished his Jameson, "would make you even consider this while sober? Her _sister_ is running the pool against her making it down the aisle this century! Why do _you_ want to risk it?"

Usopp swallowed hard again, this time soothing the burn of his whiskey. He thought back to the bar where he met her after the Straw-hats' reunion. He thought of the woman who eagerly acknowledged him as manly.

He vividly recalled the nose-crushing, boob-filled hug that she gave him. For free.

The other men blinked in amazement as the sniper-cum-gardener spoke aloud about the whole affair. The hookah was abandoned in the wake of this new information.

Again, Sanji was the first to break the silence.

"Aw, fuck it," the chef muttered in resignation. "What do you want for the wedding cake?"

[~~~]

Nami sank nervously into the hot springs, eying her neighbor cautiously. She still hadn't gotten used to the fact that Crocodile was now female, and would be for the foreseeable future.

The lazing, reptilian-like female sluggishly raised an eyebrow at the ginger-haired navigator-cum-part owner of the entire world.

"What's got you so jumpy, bitch?" the former Shichibukai drawled as she partially raised her chin out the water. "You're worse than pussy on a hot tin roof."

"That was a pretty amusing form of torture," Robin noted idly from her position across the pool. "But on a more serious note - confide in your Ane-sans. "

Nojiko nodded in agreement as she came up sputtering.

"Nami, you know we always have your back. C'mon, tell us what's wrong?"

"You've been reeeaaalllyyy grumpy lately, sweetie," Benniko ( _It was Bentham's month to be female_ ) stated bluntly while wrapping her hair up. "Even when you're counting money!"

Bonney snorted and belched loudly, actually taking the time to wipe her chicken-greased fingers off before swaggering over to the pool.

"You also ain't had a period in ages. Ky told me."

Nami winced a bit. It most certainly wasn't the heat of the water that was responsible for that twitch. Hancock in particular was not amused.

"It's not Luffy's is it, you homely slut?"

"No, of course it isn't Luffy's!" Nami snapped, her head easily looming over the entire bath area.

"It's Nosey-kun's, isn't it?" Perona giggled as she phased through Nami's abdomen. "I can tell - it's got a super negative aura!"

Nami slumped into the water as her face turned red. Caught without even opening her mouth!

Tashigi clumsily paddled over to the woman and offered a conciliatory shoulder. The muscularly lithe sword-mistress sighed and gave the navigator a small hug.

"Okay, I utterly suck at being very female and comforting, so just sign me up for baby-sitting duties."

Nami sank her head down, trying not to go into hysterics as Nojiko came over to rub her back and smooth her hair.

"I'm thinking of proposing to him. Have been for a while now. Ever since we reunited in Shabondy, really," the world's richest woman whimpered out loud. "This is really going to complicate things."

"Since Shabondy?" Robin mused under her breath. "What happened to change your mind about the sniper that long ago?"

Nami hesitantly described Usopp's entrance in the bar after he set his pet plant on the offensive Nami-wannabe. She lingered on the twinkle in his eye, the length and curls of his hair, the self-made mammoth-hide clothes, and the fact that she'd given him a free feel of her ample bosom.

The blush really made the story though.

Margo ( _Marco had lost a bet based on Ace's - rather, Une's - seductive powers. He totally wasn't going to admit that he was digging the chocolate though_ ) nodded admiringly throughout the tale.

"Yeah, that's pretty suave right there. If it's any consolation, I'd totally fall for it myself. Just...don't let Ace know that, mmkay? He's already screwed me - screwed me _over, I mean_ \- for the month."

Nami wailed and buried her head in Nojiko's collarbone.

"I'm doomed! I am _totally_ going to propose to him and get his cowardly ass agreement to marry me, if only so this story never leaves Raftel! It'll ruin my reputation otherwise!"

Robin cocked one arrogantly smug eyebrow at Nojiko. Bonney's gardener-cum-cannoneer cursed loudly as she contemplated how much she would have to pay out.

[~~~]


	11. Banana versus Tangerine, Round 2

"So, uhm, how the heck did we get here again?" Usopp asked his new bride as they hid, naked, under one of the buffet tables.

Nami could only laugh out loud and shake her cake-mussed head.

"I have absolutely _no_ idea," the navigator replied, reaching over the edge of the table to snag a relatively unmolested plate of food.

Usopp looked out at the general brawl that had been their wedding day. He had a very fuzzy memory of his best man, Ky, calling Nami a man-stealing whore with Boa Hancock cheering him on - it was just about two seconds after they'd been named man and wife by Luffy. Nojiko and Sanji had taken violent offense to their comments, leading to a foot in the face of his ex-girlfriend/current home-boy and a cannon aimed by an angry reindeer-woman at the hissing Kuja empress.

Fortunately, neither woman had been able to attack as they wanted. Ace, who had been in the middle of some fairly pyrotechnic foreplay with Margo, fell victim to a narcoleptic fit that caused him to pitch back into Hancock. Kidd, who'd just looked up after a quick snack on Benniko's cleavage, was immediately turned to stone by Boa's misdirected shot to the right of Nojiko. His statue, erection and all, dropped onto the female reindeer, causing her cannon to go off in the wrong direction.

Unfortunately, the cannonball careened through the wedding cake, the side of the ship, and into the back of Drake's head. As the tyrannosaurus keeled over onto his sandpaper-tongued girlfriend _(thereby gagging her)_ , the cannonball ricocheted upwards, through the decking and into the infirmary, where it rose up, up, up...

...Before landing on _(and crushing)_ Law's leg during his peak with Perona in one of the ICU beds.

Meanwhile, in the main hall, remains of the orange pound cake and chocolate mousse delight had landed on everything and everyone. However, the removal of the first six layers ever so conveniently revealed Luffy and Chopper, who had hidden behind the confectionery during the fracas. Their cheeks bulged guiltily, their faces smeared with icing and whipped cream.

"My cake!" Sanji howled, Zoro only barely able to hold him back with Tashigi and Bonney's help.

"My man!" Margo and Benniko shrieked, both of them snapping off earrings and smearing their cheeks with Vaseline after they left the drowsing Ace and petrified Kidd slumped together in a safer corner of the room.

"My head!" Drake snarled, his large, dagger-clawed foot ripping out one side of the wall while Lady Crocodile hooked the other side into sandy oblivion.

"My leg!" Law snapped, leaning on Perona for support as he hobbled into the room, clad only in a pair of boxers with little ghosts embroidered on them. His _nodachi_ was already drawn and singing.

"My wedding!" Nami growled, her whole skin tingling and snapping as an enormous black cloud filled the room. The immensity of the roiling patch of bad weather suddenly loomed in everyone's eyes, along with a healthy dose of panic.

"Uhm...oh shit?" Luffy muttered meekly before diving under the banquet table as the first crack of lightning filled the air with ozone.

[~~~]

Usopp's memories cleared up after the point where he dragged his furious, pregnant wife under the table, kissing her into insensibility, out of their clothes, and straight into his lap. The way he had figured it, he had to get the consummation part of the whole affair out of the way quickly, before Franky, Brook and Robin finished their menage a trois by accidentally dropping on their heads or something-

There was an almighty crash as not one, but _two_ decks caved in.

"Ow~! What the hell, bro? Who the fuck shot out the ceiling?"

"Oh my god, Brook-boner! I wants to unsee it! Make me unsees it, Margo!"

"Shit Robin, you are one hot bit- Fuck you, ya hunk of lead, you wanna feel what a magnetized ass-kicking'll do for your precious circuits?"

"Yohoho, li'l fire boy, I'll show you where I store my pick if you don't stop staring!"

"Another round?" Usopp cheerfully asked Nami as he wiggled his eyebrows lecherously and dropped the table cloth, shutting out the rest of the world again.

"Most definitely, Noseking- Aaaaaaa! Luffy, what are you doing here?"

"Don't mind me," Luffy muttered amiably as he slunk in between the married couple, a ham in each fist. "Have fun, safe sex, happy honeymoon, if Sanji asks, _I was never here!_ "

Usopp and Nami watched their captain's rear end shuffle swiftly along under the tables before flopping on their backs and laughing their asses off. Only at a Straw-hat wedding...


	12. The Disadvantages of Fruitfulness

Zoro gave a short nod to Sieg, the bartender as he, Sanji, Usopp, Sabo and Ace entered the pool hall. The men slid up to the bar and the East Blue yonkou quickly ordered a round of long neck beers.

Sieg ignored their order and gave them their individualized shot glasses and a keg of Mount Gay rum. This action did not bode well at all and left the men looking at each other nervously.

"So," Sanji began after he lit a fresh cancer stick to calm the sudden swell of nerves, "Where is he?"

The bartender cocked his head up and to the left, his hairy chin jutting out as distinctively as a finger. Peering into the gloom that covered the back of the hall, the men could barely make out a small, pale figure seated on top of one of the pool tables. The lean man appeared to be sobbing and laughing at the same time, on the border of hysteria as he raised a stein filled with smooth, amber liquid to his lips. His chugging of the drink was audible, as was his gasp in response to the alcohol's burn.

The two broken liquor barrels - one marked Alabasta Tequila, the other marked Jameson Whiskey - were a lot easier to spot.

"Oh shit! Please tell me your wife is on speed-dial," Sabo pleaded quietly with Usopp, who was already palming his baby den den mushi. "You _know_ we can't deal with a drunk Luffy without wreckin' Sieg's place!"

"And Sieg threatened to move _away_ from here if we mess up his spot again. I like this bar too much for that," Zoro grumbled as he carefully removed his swords and passed them to the bartender in question. The other men were too busy divesting themselves of their non-corporeal weapons to answer - knives, daggers, six guns, a giant slingshot, brass knuckles, three Impact dials and a giant lead pipe.

"Alright," Usopp sighed as he handed over his man-purse full of ammo and pop-greens. "Let's see what calamity we're dealing with this time. Ace, you're on point."

"Hurrah," the Flame-fist quipped dryly as he crushed his hat firmly onto his head, hitched up his short britches and swaggered over to the Pirate King with confidence he didn't feel. Zoro grabbed the rum, Sanji and Sabo got the glasses and Usopp paid Sieg enough for the stoic man to close up shop for the day and take a well-deserved hike with his burly bear brother.

[~~~]

"Yo, li'l bro, s'up-?"

"Ace! I wanna die!"

The tanned man in question was soon covered in a wailing, rubbery pile of mucous and tears as Luffy launched himself onto the yonkou. His other brother rubbed a pair of pale hands down the elastic back and rib-cage of the inconsolable boy-King.

"Uhm...there, there? C'mon Luffster, it can't be that bad!" Sabo rasped, trying to sooth Luffy despite the nerves thrumming in his head. His younger brother was never prone to maudlin moods while drunk; overly cheerful and boisterous bordering on natural disaster proportions, yes, but never maudlin. This mood change was clearly worrisome.

"Yes it is! I wanna die! Die!"

"Oh can it, shit-face," Sanji barked as Usopp drew up chairs for the other men. Sprawling out in the wooden seat with a foot up on the pool table, the chef pulled a Straw-hat (TM) Pirate Bento out of his jacket and handed it to his captain.

"You'll feel better once you eat something - you know you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach."

Luffy sniffed loudly and blew his nose on the hem of his vest - Usopp cringed as he straddled his seat, trying very hard not to dwell on the next laundry day. The Pirate King grabbed the lunch box - piled high with ham, sea king meat, fish steaks and the rare cut of salt beef - and began to pick at his food.

Zoro's eyebrows shot sky-high in amazement, joining those of the rest of the intervention squad. Usopp began to dial Nami, his fingers blurring in their urgency.

"What's this all about, Luffy?" the swordsman asked bluntly, wanting nothing more than to end this ordeal as swiftly as possible. "You're the Pirate King, you've beaten down a ton of wannabes, we have the best parties _ever_ and you've never been bored on Raftel. What could possibly be wrong?"

Snuffling loudly, the young, doe-eyed man dropped a ham bone - not even empty! - and morosely poked his cheek.

"Na, remember when Robin came back, she was married to my dad?"

The others nodded, puzzlement on their faces.

"And remember that Lady Crocodile and X. Drake have been hitting the skins since they met earlier this year?"

Nods all around, along with painful expressions of general disgust.

"And remember that I'm Dragon's and Croc's kid."

More nods, along with facial contortions of disbelief and horrified acceptance.

"Well, they're pregnant."

The men blinked. Zoro thought this might be a good time to broach the rum barrel and share some liquor - after he drank an eighth of it straight from the head. The other men followed suit. Apparently, this news needed a lot more than one cask of liquor to be absorbed.

"So, lemme gets this straights," Usopp began, his speech slurring as his alcohol-shocked brain tried not to die under the relentless assault. "Croc and Drake are gonna have a kid?"

"Uh-huh," Luffy nodded sadly as he drained the whiskey in his mug. "And Robin and pops are gonna have too."

Sabo fell right out of his seat as he drained the cask. He spluttered briefly as Ace and the others remained too shell-shocked to speak.

"You mean there's gonna be _another_ Monkey D. _**and**_ _another_ Crocci-chan runnin' around here?"

Luffy nodded again as he choked down a 32-ounce steak from the bento.

"I know right? I'm totally not the youngest anymore! Robin and mom keep telling me I have to be responsible and teach them everything I know, even though neither of them would take my virginity back then! And they won't spoil me anymore, especially cuz they both say they're having twins, and- Hey, guys... Where're you going?"

Most of the intervention squad clambered over the bar and began to raid Sieg's storeroom for alcoholic courage and relief while Usopp remained on the den den mushi.

"You heard me, hun! Yes, this _definitely_ counts as a global emergency! I'll let Sieg send you the bill, and get Chopper to prep the detox room. I understand, you can get Bonney and Tashi to come pick up your portions whenever. No, don't bother Kidd and Bon-chan, Kidd doesn't have the mental stability to survive this without destroying a few islands... I thought Law told you they were using protection, dammit! No, don't tell Rayleigh, do you wanna _kill_ him or something? Tell Coby and Smoker instead - maybe they can get Garp back on the training roster soon enough..."

Luffy sniffled and nodded in approval. It was _so_ good to be with people who could understand his woes!

[~~~]


	13. A Fruitful Quarter

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Kidd snarled as he hauled the hapless storekeeper over her counter.

"How can you have _none_ for sale?" the irate supernova roared as he shook the poor woman, who had tears streaming down her face. Suddenly, a slippered foot threatened to snap his head off his neck with a powerful roundhouse kick. The supernova used his magnetic powers to bury the Straw-hats' favorite okama under numerous shelves.

"Back off, ballerina! I just want my foundation so the sun won't _burn my fucking face off_...maybe some lipstick and eyeliner...but she's _all out!_ "

A wail came from the rubble as Bentham dug himself free. With tears in his eyes, he began to screech at the swooning storekeeper.

" _None?_ Stop jooking around! No blush? Not even one lousy cake of eyeshadow? _I'll kill you!_ "

Kidd rolled his eyes and went back to terrorizing the poor woman. The red-headed psychopath yanked her off the ground by the buckle of her belt as Bentham drew himself upright, towering over her menacingly.

"Whoa, hey, where's all the lipstick? _Goddammit!_ " Buggy howled as he left his feet by the hair accessories and floated his torso over to the counter. Glancing at the two men and the suspended, terrified woman, the Clown did a double-take.

"S-so she's outta the whole line too?"

Kidd and Bentham nodded grimly. Buggy's bottom lip began to tremble...his eyebrow twitched.

A sudden explosion rocked the cafe where Galdino, Zoro and Killer were drinking coffee. There was a plethora of swan feathers and a disturbing lack of metallic shrapnel.

"No M.A.C here either," Zoro concluded with a vexed sigh.

"I wish they'd just wear Revlon," Galdino grumbled as he put down his mug.

"Or at least try the CoverGirl," Killer added in a dark murmur.

[~~~]

Marco 'The Phoenix' - now first mate to the East Blue yonkou, 'Fire-fist' Ace - hated the Pirate Council summit.

The accommodations were never a bother; the Pirate King always treated the yonkous' crews to anything they wanted. His captain never forced him to endure the grueling negotiations. The company was actually pretty stellar, considering that they were all pirates, revolutionaries and okamas who generally wanted to screw each other over in every possible connotation of the word. Once Sieg, _The_ Bartender, and Kumai, his pet bear, sailed in, the parties were massive doses of fun. All in all, Marco usually had a barrel of laughs.

The real problem cropped up _after_ the summit.

"Oh lookie," Jozu rumbled monotonously, "Is that our beloved captain that I see out there?"

Marco blatantly ignored the sniggering Vista and Blamenco.

"My, the captain looks _hot!_ " Izou cooed, his hands fanning his face. Marco's eyebrows furrowed. Haruta blinked twice, then grabbed a pair of binoculars from the table.

"Dear lord...forgot the under-shirt _again_? No wonder X. Drake is with-"

A searing wind scored the ex-commanders' faces as Marco flew out of the crew's encampment-

-And straight to Ace's side.

"Thanks, this is far enough," Marco stated abruptly as he wound his arm around tanned shoulders. Utterly disregarding the West Blue yonkou, he bent his head and soundly tongued the barely-covered brunette while dropping a large sea-coat over her shoulders. When he finally ran out of air, he pulled back and nuzzled her dark mane as X. Drake smirked and left.

"Ace, you have _got_ to wear bigger vests when Iva is in town... _please?_ "

"It's Une when I've got boobs, remember?" Luffy's older brother - er, sister - quipped as she cheekily buttoned up the coat.

[~~~]

When Ivankov sent out the invitation for a private soiree _outside_ of the official summit boundaries, this was _not_ the audience that Buggy the Clown had expected.

"What the hell? 'Blackfoot' Sanji, 'Cat Thief' Nami, 'Demon Child' Nico, 'Monster' Chopper, 'Dead Bones' Brook, 'Swansong' Bentham... What are _you_ guys doing he-"

The Clown was forcefully silenced by a sudden onset of foot-and-hand-in-mouth disease. Elsewhere in the room, Eustass Kidd, Inazuma and the former Whitebeard commander, Izou, were having a fairly peaceful tete-a-tete. Marine Commander Hina and her subordinates, Fullbody and Jango, were seated at another table, along with Kumadori, Kalifa and, most surprisingly, Fleet Admiral Aokiji. Perona and her ghosts flitted in a dim corner of the room near Keimei while Doflamingo, Crocodile and Mihawk sipped cognac with their host..ess...near the fireplace.

"Velcome, velcome, clowny boy!" Ivankov chirped pleasantly. "Come, gather around the main table everyone. Let us get this meeting underway."

The attendees congregated around the immense mahogany table and took their seats while Inazuma distributed bottles of water _(or liquor)_ as necessary. Sanji, Keimi and Chopper skipped around the table and went into a back room. Ivankov remained standing, only beginning to speak once everyone was comfortable.

"Ladies, gentlemen and candy boys," the Okama Queen began, hands clasped behind his...her...back. "As all of you assembled should know, ve have long been the face of fashion in the Grand Line. Ve all have, consciously or otherwise, built up stunning reputations for tasteful, original and/or unique clothing choices, accessorization and makeup artistry."

Here, Ivankov stopped speaking and turned away from the audience. With back turned and sighing heavily, the transsexual began to pace in front of the others.

"Unfortunately, dears, ve have a serious crisis on our hands. Due to certain companies being too scared to ship anything beyond Marine Base G-1...vell... I am sure you've all noticed that there has not been any M.A.C on the shelves."

Buggy sniffled and whimpered. His pain was echoed by Bentham and Kidd.

"Vell, ve are also running out of Revlon-"

Robin, Kalifa and Mihawk gasped.

"-CoverGirl-"

Nami, Brook, Perona and Hina howled in impotent rage.

"-Fashion Fair-"

Crocodile, Jango and Aokiji blanched.

"-Shiseido-"

Kumadori and Izou wept piteously.

"-and Maybelline!"

Doflamingo and Fullbody fainted dead away. Cries of distress - one masculine, one feminine - wafted out of the back room.

"Do you see?" Ivankov shrieked, hands flailing over his head. "Ve have been virtually stripped naked! And under all of this sun and salty sea air too!"

"So what the fuck do we do?" Kidd snarled, banging his fist on the table impotently. "I'm a _mother-fucking red-head!_ I burn like a slab of meat without my SPF50 liquid primer and tri-blend foundation!"

"What about my lips?" Sanji wailed, storming out of the back room in an apron and hairnet. "How can I kiss cuties with salt-encrusted lips?"

"Hina's lipstick? No-one's selling Hina's lipstick?"

"I can't _find_ anything in my color other than Fashion Fair pressed powder!" Crocodile barked as he angrily lodged his hook in the tabletop. "What's a darker skin tone supposed to use to hide bruising?"

Doflamingo was curled around the slack-jawed Mihawk's feet with his thumb in his mouth. Jango was rubbing Fullbody's back in soothing circles as the blond marine sat up slowly. Perona and Bentham held onto each other, sobbing and causing their mascara to run. Robin was trying to top up her powder blush by stealing Kalifa's last unopened box.

"Take heart!" the revolutionary drag-queen cried out loud, suddenly hugging _(a very unwilling)_ Sanji close. "There is hope! Using candy-Sanji and cutie-Chopper's combined knowledge of blending and medicine, Keimi has agreed to sell a new brand of makeup - Criminal Lineup!"

Keimi sauntered triumphantly out from behind Ivankov, leading Chopper who came out burdened with trays full of samples. Eyes glistened brightly as the trays were laid out on the table.

"Salvation!" Aokiji cried as he tested a fruity-smelling full coverage lotion. "Do you have any idea how much moisturizer I go through in a day?"

"It's _sooo_ flashy!" Buggy squealed as he tried on a glitter-filled lipstick.

"Soap-resistant, yet easily removed with astringent? This _must_ violate some sort of law..." Kalifa murmured as she quickly stashed a pot of eyeshadow.

"Ginger-friendly blush?" Nami cried in exultation. "Come to mama!"

Keimi dove out of the way as the assembly began bickering and battling over the products. Carefully climbing on Chopper's back, she continued her sales-pitch.

"All organic, with scientifically-proven compounds and blending methods to prevent clogs and clumps! Guaranteed to improve the texture and glow of your natural skin. We'll be looking at a price point beginning at fifty kingsmarks for a tube of ultra-yummy lip gloss! Launch will be at the next quarterly Pirate Council summit! Also look out for our upcoming line of hair products - Hancock tested and approved!"

[~~~]

Bonney, Luffyko, Une and Ibis did not even flinch as the gigantic cage trap dropped down around them. They were too busy eating the official, Sanji-cooked Pirate Banquet(TM) that had been used as bait.

"Look at them," Usopp sighed as his father dropped down from the top of the cage. "Can you believe that they're women?"

"Hardly," Yasopp agreed, watching the four slavering females as they devoured the feast. "Are you _sure_ we have to use them for the contest?"

Usopp scowled as he answered.

"Dad, seriously, we're talking about _a lifetime supply_ of hair products for the most stunning make over of all time. With _four_ entries - one undead vampire, one resurrected cyborg, three originally _male_ \- from pirate-renowned artists like us, how the hell can we lose?"

"True that," Yasopp conceded as he covered his face with a gas mask and reached for his 'palette' - an enormous bag of makeup products from the Criminal Lineup, including the new 'Perpwalk' and 'Mug Shot' collections. "Alright, son - let's get started."

Usopp cracked his knuckles, donned his own mask and tossed in the sleep grenade. When the sounds of gnashing teeth finally quietened, the two men went to town. In a mere eight hours, they had finished and tested their transformations on Boa Hancock, who nearly bled to death at the results.

[~]

The judgment was unanimous after Luffyko, Une, Ibis and Bonney bent over in their low-cut, high-slitted dresses, winked and blew a kiss to the screaming crowd. The blood spray never came out of the curtains, unfortunately.

[~]

Chopper took Sanji out of the I.C.U. unit the next Thursday.

...And Zoro.

...And Robin, Franky, Brook, Nami, Kidd, Law, Marco, Vista, Shanks, Dragon, Doflamingo, Mihawk, Blackbeard, Aokiji, Akainu, Smoker...

[~~~]

* * *


	14. Carrot Juice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ace likes orange. Carrots tend to be orange. Ace likes Marco and Boa.
> 
> Let's put a little creativity into this, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, it's a vegetable, don't care.

 

"It's just a carrot," Ace muttered, only half-noticing the vegetable sticking out of his little brother's hand. "I mean, shit, how the fuck will a carrot get me 'n' Phoenix 'n' Queen Amazonia in the same bed?"

The Flamefist sucked down his tequila shot, bit his salty lime and screwed his eyes shut in delight before he bothered to regard the other patrons in the bar. Half of them nearly injured themselves trying not to meet his eyes. Turning to his left, Ace was barely able to catch Usopp, Zoro and Sanji in the act of drooling, but the red tips of their ears (and Usopp's nose) told him a lot more.

"Yeah," Sabo growled on his right before he cleared his-suddenly raspy throat and dug the end of his pipe in Ace's ribs, "You seriously need to stop being a total D and revealing all sorts of juicy information followed by a _throat-fucking moan_."

Ace and Luffy threw up their middle fingers to the entire bar and went back to their discussion.

"Ace~" Luffy whined as he tapped the carrot on the brim of Ace's hat, "Carrots are really useful. Like when I used one on Nami and then ate it, she was totally wild..."

The sound of an entire bar full of people adjusting their crotches momentarily drowned out the sound of Luffy's voice. That and Eustass' vicious round of swearing as Bentham held a bandanna nonchalantly to The Kid's now-clotting nose.

And Usopp on his den-den mushi to his wife, loudly trying to figure out why she hadn't invited him to  _that_  little party.

"..and then she utterly didn't mind when I fed her the one I'd used on Bonney..."

At which point Law just gave up, grabbed his bottle of wine and muttered dark words involving Perona and the nearest cucumber garden he could find before paying Sieg and stalking out.

Sanji had already passed out on the counter. Zoro was preparing the IV while Usopp warmed the blood pack. Next to the medical supplies, the sniper's den-den mushi was blushing fiercely before the line was audibly cut. Sabo wiped the blood from his top lip and tried to get a handle on matters, to no avail.

"So wait," Ace continued, utterly ignorant to the commotion around him or Sabo's insistent groans of "Shut the fuck up, firebrains!" His brows were screwed up in concentration and only the faintest of blushes darkened the area under his freckles.

"Am I supposed to use the carrot as a man or a woman? On me or on Boa? And with Marco watching or wielding it?"

"Fuck it!" Sabo growled as he dropped a thousand kingsmarks in Sieg's hands, his trousers already pitching a tent like a good Boy Scout.

"Sieg, I need The Shit-Facer and the earplugs."

"Make it two," Zoro harrumphed as he pulled his own wallet out. At this point, it was no surprise to see the black bandanna tied around his nose.

Usopp had already left, armed with all the vegetables Sieg was willing to spare. The bartender shrugged and got ready for a brisk trade in earplugs, carrots, and Zoro's signature moonshine.

[~~~]

Ace was still skeptical.

The carrot was perfectly boring as it lay on his hammock. Sure it was almost blindingly orange as he'd scrubbed every speck of mud off that he could find, but still, it was nothing more than a carrot.

A really orange carrot.

Orange  _was_  one of his favorite colors.

"Seriously, you're not much to look at," Ace muttered as he picked up the vegetable. It was slightly cool to the touch but smooth overall, with only a few odd bumps added any textural interest.

"You're pretty long, though, I'll give you that. I wonder if you even match up to me."

Which is why Marco and Boa walked in on Ace jacking himself to full hardness with a carrot next to his dick. He didn't even have time to sputter out an explanation before Marco closed and bolted the door while Boa began to sashay towards him, licking her lips.

[~~~]

"Carrot juice for you, Ace?"

Usopp was not prepared for the blush. Or the choking, raspy groan. Or the way Ace's bloody nose crashed into his smoothie station.

"Two for us," Marco drawled, his hand still interlaced with Ace's despite his commander's comatose form. On Ace's other side, Boa sniffed haughtily and her head tilted as far back as it could, but she didn't remove her hand from Ace's grasp either.

Carrot juice, indeed.


End file.
